Friday, January 29, 2010

septoplasty realizations

Despite the pain and agony of having deviated septum surgery there are some solidly good realizations that come to you while you are writhing in pain.  

1. Everyone thinks you got a nose job because who would go thru this without some cosmetic improvement?  Fer gawds sake I have a NOSE and it's not gonna look any better once the splints come out and all the swelling goes down.  I might have to carry around my surgery orders that spell out: Septoplasty and Turbinectomy.  Not Rhinoplasty.  My nose will be just as full of character as always.

2. Somewhere between day 2 and day 4 your nose gets a sort of Tourtettes Syndrome.  It makes noises on it's own.  Crackles, pops, squeeks, and gurgling.  All on it's own volition.  It's a regular Chatty Cathy.

3. If you're thin you get to see what you look like if you gain 30 lbs in your face.  It allows you to try on a new FAT nose (and find out you do not look so good with a fat nose).  Saggy eyelids plump up to new heights!  Even your lips plumb back up, too bad they look like Meg Ryan lips after a bad dose of filler.

4. You realize facial surgery is not for you.  

5. Finding out breaking your nose is piddling pain compared to not being able to breathe cuz you've got snot and blood clots blocking every square inch of nostril.  The pain of mouth-breathing along with a raw throat due to the breathing tube (did they scrub my throat with salt?) allows you to contemplate ripping your face off.

6. You are terrified of getting the splints removed but oddly want them out right this very minute.  And you wonder if you can make something crafty out of the splints once they are out of your nose. 

7. You realize your young looking and very angelic looking ENT doc is the devil in disguise.  Maybe he'll look more angelic after the splints are removed and I can breathe.

8. You will lose at every game of online Scrabble if you play while on pain meds.

9. They don't tell you your teeth will hurt and your upper palate will become numb.  Yet your nose is more tender than you'd ever believe.  They also don't tell you that you won't be able to talk for days, at least not with a voice.  Just whispers.  That might actually make some people happy.

10.  You will contemplate going outside on the 5th day even tho you have scabs ringing the nostrils.  Your hair is bent all kinds of ways but you really, really don't care. 

11. I have this weird smell in my left nostril.  It's a gross smell and one I can't even describe.  I hope it goes away.  Who knew you could smell something while not being able to smell other things?  

12. Oh, say goodbye to sleep for a while.  And when it does come, it comes with snorts, snores and other weird noises and pursed lips.  

I know I have other realizations, some funny, some not so funny.  I just can't remember them now that I'm not in the middle of some snot or clot crisis.  

No comments: