Saturday, May 16, 2009

I just can't shake it

I took yesterday off, because ya know I was going to go on that trip.  Yes, I could have gone to work but I just didn't want to.  It's not like I love my job or my work is so interesting and challenging that I want to be there.

I can't shake Gare out of my thoughts.  I'm surprised about that.  Yesterday after I took the son to school, me and Susan sat and drank coffee out on her porch and ate strawberries while we talked about everything surrounding his life and death.

I got an email from one of the bookclub girls who's known Gare longer than I.  She asked me if I thought Gare knew how much we cared about him.

I know he knew from me although I don't think I ever told him how much others cared about him.  How others felt about him never came up between us.  Too many thoughts about his (from others) that ran the gamut from "What an asshole" to the other end of the spectrum.  Besides, I don't think he really cared what others thought of him, unless they talked directly to him and he'd tell you what he thought.

Someone else posted on FB that they thought of him as a father figure to all kinds of misfits.  That concept is not right for me.  I never thought of him as a father figure.  An authority figure yes (he was my boss for many years) but never as a father figure.  

I guess he was a lot of things to a lot of people.  

The other thing I did yesterday was make some cool textures to be focal points for some jewelry.  Maybe I'll finish them today and post pictures.  


Donita Curioso said...

So don't try to shake him out of your thoughts. It's only been a couple days. Think about him. Talk about him. Talk to people who knew him. Look at pictures. Eventually things will settle down.

VO said...

Ohh no, I don't mean to say I'm trying to actively shake him out of my thoughts.

I'm only surprised how deep and wide the thoughts are. He comes up in my mind all day, and I know it's because he's been family to me.

My own grieving process is a familiar one, I don't bury a lot of it, I talk about it. And I've had lots of communication with a lot of people about the entire thing. And I write in my blog whatever comes up.

But I do also realize words cannot convey the whole of it. I'm not inclined to *do* anything about what bubbles up. It is what it is.

So no worries Donita.