Sunday, May 17, 2009

Ouch-a-mus proboscis

I have a broken nose.  Broken.  Ouchie.

 How'd it happen?  Welllll, my yard is a mess and whenever I can get up the gumption to do something I do.  Last weekend (or the weekend before) I trimmed the giant man-eating hibiscus.  today it was hot, so other than watering the flower bed (which is now not getting enough sun, but it's hot enough to parch the ground) I didn't do any real clean up.

We have this stinking trees called Shamel Ash that live in our yard.  The street behind us is lined with them.  And they have kajillions of seeds that fly thru the air with the greatest of ease.

They grown like wildfire.  And if you don't pluck them when they are little they grow fast.  You can't just chop them off at the ground, you'll get many many little trees growning from that one chopped off tree.

So my plan is to chop them down at the bottom, spray them with plant killer stuff and then cover them with black plastic.  I'm hoping the combo of no sun and plant killer stuff will kill the many, many saplings we have growing.

We have a few growing right in front of the living room window.  Which is where the water faucet is located.  Since I have fight my way thru freaking TREES to get to the faucet to water the flowers and I'm deathly afraid the roots are going to either crack the foundation or get into our plumbing (MIL's plumbing at her house is all messed up from Shamel Ash).  I thought I'd start with that one.

Well, let me tell you.  Sapling are flexible.  Very flexible.  If you hold down the sapling with your foot, whack at it with giant choppers, it WILL spring up and smack you right in the kisser.  And if you wear glasses it will cut the crap out of your nose and bleed like a mofo.  

You will put your hand to your face and it will come away with a whole handful of blood.  Your blood, which is rich in iron and very red.  It will drip all over the floor and into the sink. 

Just grab a handful of tissue and find your phone.  Call the husband who is taking his nightly walk.  You will say to him: I need you to come home right now because I got hit in the face by the tree I was trying to chop down and I'm bleeding and I need to go to Urgent Care right now.   He will, btw, ask really dopey questions, like: How did that happen?  


He got a ride home and by that time I was sitting on the steps waiting for him.  It wasn't gushing blood anymore, I kept pressure and ice on it.  He got my purse, we got the dog inside and then he stopped to clean up blood that was on the door.

The whole of it is I have a jagged cut, underneath that I have no top skin, it got scraped off.  And the nose is actually fractured.  The fracture doesn't look that bad from the X-ray but it does hurt.  Not enough for pain meds (they offered, I declined).  I have to take antibiotics and I got out of a tetnus shot, I think I got one about 6 years ago.  They put some kind of new skin thingy on it.  It stays on for about a week and just absorbs into your body.  That is covered with a gauze pad and strips of tape.  It looks teeny and sits exactly under my glasses.  Thank the lord because otherwise I wouldn't be able to see.

Gods, my nose is already prominent.  Now I'm going to have a boxers nose.  


Billy Canary said...

Remain calm.

Let the hub assess the situation.

Don't get hysterical.

VO said...

Ah huh. Ok.

Donita Curioso said...

Holy shitola! Revenge of the saplings! "Yew keel my brothor. Foar thet yew muss die."

Ok, you can't go anywhere with Bill for a while or people will give him major dirty looks. That's what happened when I fell and banged my head on a rock and got a nasty ol' black eye. Everyone thought Jim was the devil.

Strangers, I mean. People our friends knew that Jim would never lay a finger on me. Of course, if it was Jim who had the black eye they'd have no problem suspecting me.

Lovely photo, dahling. Your new Facebook ID?

VO said...

At the moment, with the bandage it just looks like I have an owie.

The daughter says my nose looks pushed over to one side (and it does) but it doesn't look particuarly mashed. I suspect when the bandage comes off it will look worse.

This morning it looks more broken-nose-ish. But hey, I don't have black eyes!